Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
