worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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