mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Randomize
