thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
