I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
