Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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