You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
