I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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