Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
