why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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