New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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