Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
