yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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