I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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