then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
