Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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