We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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