I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
