just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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