i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
