bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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