My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
