Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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