the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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