Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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