the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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