I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
