She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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