I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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