Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
