Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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