Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
