Well douche your snatch and let's go!
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
