Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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