Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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