You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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