I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
