he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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