Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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