are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
