my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
