It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
