Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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