He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
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Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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