We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
