Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
