Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
