I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
