i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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