can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
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I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
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Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sorry about my life...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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