I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
im on a boat
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