After last night, I could never be a politician.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
