Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
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i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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