How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
